Welcome to Beautiful You. My name is Becca Starr, and today we are going to talk about negotiating. We have to do it more than just when we want a job or a promotion. Negotiating happens every day in conversations, more than you actually think it might.
This is what we do on this show. We let go of everything that you're not, so that you can remember how beautiful and perfect you already are. You don't need to do more, you just need to let go of what you're not. And I give you some very cool strategies to help you do that.
This episode of Beautiful You is brought to you by our signature program, Build Your Beautiful Business, an eight-week course with trainings online as well as weekly group coaching calls. We walk you through every step to start and grow a business that has purpose, unlimited potential for profits, and the promise of joy and freedom for your life.
Remember, success is not found in just one area. True success is because you have fulfillment in many areas of your life. You can start with our free training over at BeccaStarr.com, and let me know if you have any questions. I look forward to talk more about your beautiful business.
So let's talk about negotiation. To be able to ask for what you want and stand in your power, to feel confident that you hold a value that will result in getting you more of what you really want, or what you need. This skill affects all areas of your life. This ability to negotiate will serve you in your professional life and in your personal relationships.
Before we begin the art of negotiation, we must get clear on what it is that we want. We need to begin to know what our value is before we move forward and begin having these conversations. So, I will talk about how to do this in relation to getting a job or a promotion, a pay raise - whatever it might be that you want professionally.
For now, I want to start with some basic tips so you can begin to define your value. This is a very important thing to have at your baseline level. Once you determine your assets, you're very clear and it's a lot easier for you to be the kind of person you can be, the bigger potential of who you are.
If you choose not to negotiate in your job or as a business owner or even in your marriage, in your personal relationships, the negative effects that will happen, in my opinion it can literally take years off your life.
I'm telling you, the stress and the amount of extra work and guilt and emotional triggers that you'll continue to feel, it's as if you'll be watering them like a beautiful growing, flowering weed. You're going to grow more of that kind of stress just as a result of choosing not to know your own value and clearly state what you want. You will pay a very high price, my friend, and I don't want you to do that.
So this lack of skill in negotiating is very common for women. I'm talking about it today because I've realized how many women I've coached in the last two years who have brought this up. And it's not their main issue, but it's a pretty big topic.
The impact it can have on your life might not seem like a big deal or even devastating, but it's so insidious. It will affect all areas of your worth and how hard you work and how long you spend on things you don't need to. Not having the skills or courage to negotiate prevents you from stepping into the beautiful, perfect, extraordinary person you are.
I don't think that all men are just naturally comfortable negotiating. I think this is a human struggle. We might each have the discomfort of doing it. But I want to let you know that from what I have seen, most men, in studies, in articles, in so much of the research shows most men are willing to walk through that discomfort.
Not only do they get what they want, but as the years go by, the outcome and the results of their lives are far greater because they were willing to do this consistently.
So by not negotiating and not knowing your value and asking for what you want, it may not seem like a big deal right now, or with this job at this moment, or in this relationship, but if you can fast forward 20 years and try to imagine the difference of what it would look like if you were that person who chose not to negotiate or know your value, compared to the person who started today, knew her value, and began a new and stronger skill set and ability with this... What would you be able to create? What kind of legacy might you leave if you became that person today?
The good news is that once you step into the world as a more confident woman, there's something called evolution. I didn't make it up, it's a thing. To me, it's the idea that things are always changing.
So you're heading in a direction all of the time. This direction could be to your future self in a much bigger life that looks extraordinary and feels amazing for all of the things that are in that place, that special place in you that you desire, that you hope for.
Or it could be your future self who is very unhappy and depressed and resentful. Things never stay the same. They are always changing, and you're heading in some direction.
When we embody what our fullest potential could be right now, then what happens is we begin to grow from there. So imagine that. If we can determine that our value today is higher than what we thought it was yesterday, that means our baseline is beginning to create from that place, with more self-esteem, knowing that from that place you are far more likely to attract situations and ideas that are aligned with a confident woman. You'll be starting to grow from here. This applies both to getting paid more and to getting better opportunities, and it's within our personal relationships.
I'm going to include a link at the end of this episode for two downloads. There will be one for negotiating in personal relationships, and one for professional negotiations. Let's first speak about negotiating... We'll start with personal relationships.
This could show up, as we all know, with young children, or I'm sure, I'm not there yet, but with teenagers of course, or any age. This could show up with your kids, your marriage, or your boyfriend or your girlfriend, your friends. It can show up in many different ways.
Once you begin this work, you'll begin to not only attract people who are more aligned with your badassness, but you also create an unconscious shift that happens within the relationships you currently have.
What I want you to do to get the clarity you need to know your value more is to write down all of your assets. If you can take it a step further and ask people in your life, what are the things that they think you're good at. What are your natural strengths, in their opinion? Write all of those things down. These are your assets.
Once you have that, I'm going to give you a little help, a little confidence, hopefully, by using something that sometimes helps me. One thing in asking for what I want is using the imagery of parenting myself.
I know this because when I became a parent and had Zander, I realized I had to be his voice. As a mom, we know what our babies need, what our children need. And if I know someone or something is making my child uncomfortable, I need to speak up. I need to be his voice.
People pleasing is not helpful in this, because if we don't speak up, as hard as it can be, I'm left with feeling horrible, and God forbid anything can happen because I was afraid to speak up.
This definitely took some getting used to. I just didn't want to offend people. And negotiating was a pretty flimsy skill I had, if you even want to call it negotiating.
It's asking for what we need and what we want. I had to develop some skills as a parent in this area. I had to set aside my need to win everyone over or to make everybody else feel comfortable, and I had a very big reason to do it. It was looking into the eyes of my child.
If this is something you can already do, then it might be good to imagine that you're your own parent speaking up for your little girl. Imagine it's the little girl who is afraid to speak up.
Let's say, in a professional setting, if we know we have to speak on behalf of a company because we're their employees and it's our job - what helps to do this? It might be because we're part of a larger organization and we might feel the support of not standing out in the world all by ourselves. We also know we need to do our job, and we don't want to lose it. So the fear of losing our job can override that fear of being uncomfortable. And we do what we have to do.
So just try to imagine that you're speaking up for someone else. Let me know if that helps you. I have some more tips I'm going to give you, and I want you to access that download. I'm going to upload it to BeccaStarr.com/negotiation. Nope, I'm sorry. I'm going to do BeccaStarr.com/negotiate [coming soon!]. Again, you're going to find links to negotiate in personal relationships and one for business. Let's jump into some more.
I want you to take a look at all your assets and write them down. Ask people you trust for their opinion on what your assets are. Sometimes they will tell you, most of the time, they will tell you things you didn't even see in yourself.
Knowing your assets and getting clear on exactly what it is you want, take a look around, and now is the time to do a little research. Find people who seem to be in similar but better situations. This could be someone in the same industry or position, or a similar organization that you're in, if you're looking at your professional negotiating.
This could be someone else’s marriage. This might be a little tricky because other people have their own challenges, but if you have a friend and you really like what you see in her relationship, then consider that for yourself.
Why don't you have that? Is it simply because you didn't ask for it? You would be amazed at what others are capable of, who they are capable of becoming, or giving to you, just by giving them the opportunity.
And I don't know about you, but being in a marriage for 16 years, what might first come to mind, which did for me when I thought about this concept, is it's not about putting somebody down in the relationship and focusing on what they're not doing or what's not there.
This is truly just about taking care of yourself and asking for what you want. So you need to get really clear on what energetic - that vibration - of what that feels like.
Once you've done a little research and you've gotten the clarity that you need, then you need to have the courage.
Mel Robbins - I love her five-second rule. I'll put a link to that on our episode webpage. And I do have a few resources for courage and confidence. They're on my website, and also within podcast episodes. I'm going to have my assistant get some links together, and we will definitely add those to that webpage with the free downloads.
Whatever you have to do to walk through the fear to ask, this is the work you need to do. You need to be doing something. You need to have the courage to do something.
When you fail to negotiate or fail to ask for what you need or what you want, you choose to let fear run the show. It's not that things won't change, it's not that they're going to stay the same. I am telling you, they get worse. It's that concept of evolution, and you are always going somewhere. Where do you want to be heading?
Once you've stated your needs - here's the clincher. This is the thing, and this is what I find most people, most women really need to hear. Once you have asked and stated your needs, you must stop talking.
Say what you need, and stop talking. If I could just send every one of you some scotch tape or a string, a colored string to wear around your wrist just to remember this golden rule.
Once you've asked, close your mouth.
We have a way, particularly as women and being intuitive, and stereotypically - not for no reason - taking care of others, and we are good at that, we have a way of making others feel better, of making them feel more comfortable and less awkward.
This is not our job, especially when it comes to this skill [of negotiating]. I want you to be uncomfortable, and I want you to know, my friends, that you are so much more valuable than you're giving yourself credit for.
You can make a much bigger difference in this world, if you can only get out of your way more and just become more of that person that you are meant to be today. Not someday. Someday is not a day.
If anybody's on Twitter, that's tweetable, isn't it? Someday is not a day. We need to be doing these things today. Today is your day, it's your time, and you are so perfect and beautiful. I can't wait for our next episode together. Let me know what you want to hear about. Thank you so much for subscribing. Get your free download at BeccaStarr.com/negotiate.
This episode of Beautiful You is brought to you by our signature program, Build Your Beautiful Business, an eight-week course with trainings online as well as weekly group coaching calls.
We walk you through every step to start and grow a business that has purpose, unlimited potential for profits, and the promise of joy and freedom for your life.
Remember, success is not found in just one area. True success is because you have fulfillment in many areas of your life. You can start with our free training over at BeccaStarr.com, and let me know if you have any questions.
I look forward to talk more about your beautiful business!